Final Potter
by foxyapple
Summary: Chapter 6 now up! The FF7's and the characters from H.P are still on a quest to find the sneaky perverted Professor Snake, and Harry is the first to recieve a death-threat!
1. Disasters

Final Potter  
  
Disclaimer/ I do not own the FF7 characters, or the Harry Potter characters. In fact, I don't even own a Harry Potter book. Heh heh... I've only actually read ¾ of the Philosophers Stone and got bored. You probably wonder why I know so much about Harry Potter. Well, duh. There are films, and I've seen the first 2 films over and over and over and over again!  
  
I have nothing at all against Harry Potter, I have just written this fan fiction for a laugh so don't flame me! Instead, R&R!  
  
o0o  
  
The FF7 gang traipsed along the concrete floor on platform 4, meaning to get a train to Cosmo Canyon. They heard mumbling and whispering.  
  
"I'm so nervous... even though it's my second year at Hogwarts, I can't even find platform 9 and ¾." The ginger haired boy tripped over his feet clumsily and fell flat on his face, his things scattering everywhere. He was with a crowd of what seemed like siblings, scrabbling around shoving his stuff into his bag as fast as they could possibly go.  
  
"Doofus! You are so stupid sometimes, Ron. The platform is this way. And don't let anyone hear us." Blow that for a laugh!  
  
Yuffie frowned. "Hog...warts? Let's follow them and find out what's going on- I saw him drop a spell book. Maybe they have the materia there, materia so powerful it could..." Yuffie was stopped by Cloud covering her mouth. When Yuffie rabbited on about something, she would not stop. They all decided to follow the geek family and see what was going on.  
  
When they caught up- Ron, whom they assumed was his name, was pushing a trolley which the others must have thought was a better idea then him clumsily carrying everything, stumbling everywhere.  
  
"Just through there." An older brother sniggered, pointing to a wall. Ron made sure he got a good run up, and he breathed heavily.  
  
"Here goes nothing." Ron ran up to the wall hanging tightly onto his trolley, but unfortunately crashed right into it, his trolley bent and dented. He fell to the floor and got up, rubbing his crimson face and brushing himself off. It certainly was, 'here goes nothing.' His brother let out shrieks of laughter and took no notice as his mum shouted at him.  
  
Ron examined his stuff. His stomach twisted in a tight knot when he rummaged through his now upturned, crumpled bag and found the box which he kept his rat in which was err... a little bit lifeless.  
  
"Um... excuse me, are you alright?" Tifa asked Ron, concerned.  
  
Tears clung to his eyes. "Yeah... fine thanks." He shoved the box into his bag, daring not to look at the creature any longer.  
  
"We're a little lost. Y'see, we need directions to platform 9 and ¾ and by what we've seen so far you are heading there too, are you not?" Yuffie questioned, trying to look formal but jumped all over Ron's trolley, hyperactively. "I wanna do what you just did!" She yelled. But was cut off by the constant shushing of Ron's bossy mum.  
  
"If anyone hears us... oh, come this way- I assume the doorway must be this one." His mom replied, pointing to the opposite wall. Ron pushed his brother forwards and he, without hesitation, gracefully stood on the end of his trolley and flew straight into the other world.  
  
"Has he crashed yet?" Ron cringed, covering his eyes. "Oh, I guess he made it." He gritted his teeth after remembering what happened to him. Next was Ron's turn. He was a little less nervous but when he took the run up he spun around in his trolley, his arms and legs flying at all angles and he crashed into a far wall. "Ohhh... my aching head." Aeris ran over to see if he was alright.  
  
"Cure!" She shouted and cast a 'cure' spell on Ron. His bruises and cuts from his trolley crashes instantly healed in a wash of green sparkles.  
  
"Magic is not to be used in the Muggle-world." Ron hissed, but he thanked her all the same.  
  
Barret looked totally zonked. "What the 'ell is Muggle? DAMMIT!"  
  
"HAGRID! What are you doing here?" Ron smiled giving Barret a big hug.  
  
"Gerrof me you damn witch!" Barret boomed giving him a sharp push, causing him to land head-over-heels and fly backwards into the world of wands.  
  
"Cure!" Aeris jumped up and ran after him, regardless of what Ron had said, as it had appealed not to them. Everyone else followed.  
  
"Where the 'eck are we? Some sorrta world of weird." Barret stomped over to Ron and grabbed his wand. "What's this, eh?" He wondered giving it a rough slash in the air. A few sparks flicked out, nothing more. "Look at me I'm a fairy!" Barret mocked.  
  
"This is how you do it. Up and flick and up and..." Ron stopped when he had realised he'd just blew a huge hole in the ground. Graceful, eh?  
  
"It looks the same to me, 'cept there's and old-y train that's just coming..." Barret hinted on the 'just coming' bit and Ron blinked and ran for his life. Cid stuck out his foot and Ron flew towards the train window and got stuck half way. The FF7 gang got on, too along with the other Rons and Ron-girl. They saw a friend waving to Ron, and sitting in some sort of compartment. Following, they barged into the compartment and all squashed in, Tifa, Aeris, Sephiroth, Cloud, Barret, Cid, Red, Cait Sith, Vincent, Yuffie and a strange boy with Ron.  
  
"Who are you?" Wondered Red, frowning mainly because of the funny looks he was getting.  
  
"H....B....H....arry P...P...ott...er." The boy spluttered as he was so squashed. "Don't... you... know.... me?" Harry pointed at his scar and they shrugged. "Hello! Glasses? Cellotape? You know who I am!" Tifa smiled.  
  
"You're out of this book." Tifa waved it in his face, accidentally shutting it.  
  
"OW! Wha? Harry... Potter... and... the Philosophers stone? Hey! They made a book about me! Cough... cough..." He glared at Cid.  
  
Cid shrugged. "Gotta have a (bleep)-ing smoke sometime." He grunted. Suddenly, their conversations were interrupted by a boffin skipping along into their compartment.  
  
"Mind if I join you?" She sat down anyway. "Did someone just swear? Swearing is extremely atrocious you know. Instead of resorting to that, we can practice some spells." She sniffed the air. "More like smells! Something smells rawther awful!" Her jokes were bad. "Like rat droppings!" The girl forwarded, squinting her eyes at Ron. Ron blushed.  
  
"I... err forgot to wash my robes, for a... err year." Thinking of another place he could keep his rat instead of in his robe pockets. There was something about Ron that seemed strange, then they noticed... he was still halfway in the window and halfway out! The glasses doofus and the boffin helped pull Ron in through the window, with a fence, a bail of hay and a tree attached to his feet.  
  
"Um... may I just ask why you are wearing those awful shabby clothes? You need the proper robes if you are to attend Hogwarts. Clothesus Robesus!" Hermione cast the spell and the robes appeared on each person. Barret's robes were extra large.  
  
"Um... I think I look a little strange." Red stared down at his clothes.  
  
"Never mind. You also need a broom, but just go to the broom shed at the school and get one. It won't be a brilliant broom, but it would do. Oh yeah, and you need either a rat a cat or an owl." She said, pointing at Harry who was waving his distressed owl in the air as an example.  
  
"We won't bother with those." Cait Sith replied. "I had a pet once, but I squashed it with my big stuffed mog." Hermione rolled her eyes. "Fine no pets. It saves a trip to Diagon Alley."  
  
The scar on Harry's head was disturbing Aeris. "Cure!" She smiled, pointing to Harry's scar and with a few yells from Harry, his scar disappeared, and his eyes healed from needing to wear glasses.  
  
"Doh!" The strange-boy-without-glasses-and-scar cursed. "Now nobody will recognise me. My life, my fame..." Tifa nodded in agreement, looking at the Harry Potter book and watching as the scar on the picture of Harry's forehead faded away, and his glasses disappeared. There was a new title which had appeared on the book, too. 'Some sad boy and his boring journey nobody's interested in.' Harry began to cry and violins began to play. A young boy sauntered past their compartment.  
  
"Hi some stupid boy with no life!" He rolled around laughing.  
  
"I guess I ruined your life, huh? Err... sorry old man..." Aeris sympathetically patted him on the shoulder.  
  
"OLD MAN?" Harry thundered. "Hey! My hair!" He saw himself in the reflection of the window. "It's turning grey!" A button on his shirt popped off and he widened a little. He saw his face again... hair! A big, bushy beard was growing on his face.  
  
"I'M TURNING INTO HAGRID! NOOOOOOOO!" Harry yelled, but it came out as a man's booming voice. Ron looked guilty.  
  
"Err... Hagrid... er... I mean Harry... I tried casting a transformation spell while you weren't looking and err... you appear to be turning into Hagrid instead of your own glasses-scar self!" Harry gave Ron a death-look and resorted back to crying. The boffin...  
  
"My name is HERMIONE!" The swotty girl otherwise known as Hermione interrupted the story. Well, anyway. Hermione got out her wand and tapped Ron on the head. "Let's practice some spells!" She cheerfully suggested. "How about levitation?" Ron shrugged.  
  
"Okay!" He got out his wand, it began shaking. "Stoopid wand. Okay, wingardium leviosa!" Hermione sighed. "No, no, no! You've got it all wrong!" Her 'I say old chap' talk made the others want to puke. "It's wingardium levio-sar not wingardium leviosa!" Suddenley, Sephiroth started levitating and his masamune fell out of his pocket and stuck in the chair. Hermione said another weird spell and Sephiroth fell from the air and... ouch... you can guess!  
  
"Owww..." Sephiroth splutted. "I won't scream... just... SLICE IN HALF YOUR DAMN RAT!" Sephiroth aimed for the rat-box but Vincent and Cid restrained him.  
  
"Why don't you try the spell? Remember, wingardium leviosa!" Hermione said, handing the wand to Barret. Barret yanked it away.  
  
"I'll 'ave some fun with this old thing!" He laughed, poking it up Cloud's nose.  
  
Cloud pushed Barret away. "Get off me you disgusting oaf!" Hermione snatched back her wand. Ron aimed his wand at Barret.  
  
Barret shuddered. "NOOOOO! God knows what you'll do with that thing if you cast a spell on me!" Barret ducked under the table. Ron sniggered.  
  
"Do the levitation spell! Wingardium leviosa!" Ron ordered. Hermione passed Barret her wand.  
  
"Wanchingutun bevero DAMN!" Barret shouted, and a huge river with a muddy dam across it started flowing down the train. Beavers sat on the dam, building.  
  
"Damn spells... bunch of crap..." Barret muttered, kicking Yuffie.  
  
"BARRET!" Yuffie yelped. Along with a lot of shouting from the others, but they had no time to argue. The rickety train sped off it's track and broke down.  
  
sugary-flames: Okay, this is my first fanfiction so don't flame me! Hopefully it's funny, cos my sister was in hysterics! 


	2. Strange and Deranged

Disclaimer: I do not own... WHY DO I HAVE TO WRITE THIS ALL AGAIN!? Yeah, what it says on the last chapter. I don't own the teachers, even though I changed and made up their names.  
  
o0o  
  
The group filed out, fairly worried- but it turned out that they were actually there. The Harry-Potter music started playing and Harry started dancing around in circles, flicking his wand about. It stopped.  
  
Oops... sorry. I forgot you're not the incredible Harry Potter anymore... just some sad boy and his boring journey which nobody's interested in...  
  
Violins started playing and Harry shook his fist to the air. He reached into his bag and pulled out a yellow felt tip pen, along with a black and drew a lightening scar and a pair of glasses on his face with the pens. A girl with shabby robes, carrying a cat swooped past.  
  
"It's not Halloween until next year!" She called, pointing and laughing at him. "Who do you think you are? The great Harry Potter?" She laughed. "Fat chance of that!" The girl skipped gracefully away and Harry stared down at his large pot belly covering it up, embarrassed. Harry thought desperately for an idea of getting off the pen, he spilt some of his drink onto a tissue and tried rubbing it off, but when he looked into Hermione's mirror, he saw that it had made no difference. He read the print on the felt pens. 'WARNING! This pen is permanent. DO NOT use on faces."  
  
"Doh!" Harrgid (Half Harry, half Hagrid) cursed even more.  
  
Things were beginning to get boring so Yuffie livened things up a bit. She tied a rope around Harry's leg and tied the other to the wheel on the carriage. They all climbed on at lightening speed and Harry was left there talking to himself, Cloud signalled the thestral and it took off at the speed of light. Harry was left hurtling along the ground and was dragged, bumped and bruised all the way to Hogwarts.  
  
o0o  
  
Harry rubbed his head, there was a big lump, he had a mountain on his head! Well, not literally but... anyway, they made their way into Hogwarts. Outside there was a demented tree with goofy teeth and googly eyes. "Hey, tree. Yo, whazzup?" Harry said.  
  
The tree stared strangely at them. "Lawnmower, baked beans, window, marmalade?" Replied the tree, doing a Indian dance.  
  
"Strange or what?" Tifa whispered to Cloud. "You're not strange, Cloudy!"  
  
Cloud rolled his eyes. "Ugh... girls these days! Although she is HOT!" A girl with blue hair and green eyes strode their way, Cloud drooled after her. He shook his head when her face suddenly turned into a Halloween witches face and a wart appeared on the end of her nose. "Hide me Tiff!" Cloud dived under her skirt and started shuddering. "Nice legs by the way!"  
  
"EEEeeeeww!" Tifa shrieked. "Cloud Strife! You perv!"  
  
The FF7 gang looked up at the building and wondered why flights of stairs kept crashing through the walls. People stood on them screaming as the flights of stairs crashed through other walls. A brick fell on Harry's head, then another, then a whole load of bricks.  
  
"Stupid stairs!" He sighed. Harry was having loads of bad luck.  
  
When they got into the building a teacher stood there, halting them and blabbing on and on about the rules of Hogwarts.  
  
"If you have Hog warts keep away from everyone else, they are contagious!" Sephiroth mimicked.  
  
"Where's the Hog?" Vincent wondered, not quite getting his head round everything. Hermione saw Ron getting out a pair of every flavour jeans, and he licked the orange denim, delightedly. Orange juice flavour. His favourite.  
  
Hermione nagged him about how every flavour jeans were so unhealthy, and unhygienic as god knows who's been wearing them. Ron sighed, he was tired of people going on and on at him, he got enough of it from his nagging mum. Ron was so tired of it he decided to... decided to... cast a spell!  
  
"Hocus pocus diddly doo, I'm tired of yer nagging so freeze you!" Ron shouted, it was a spell which he made up meaning to turn her into an ice cube. Instead it somehow turned Hermione into another Ron. An exact clone, with the exact movements of the real Ron.  
  
The two Rons chorused. "Err... Harry? What have I done? I'll try turning her back." They both said. DUR Ron! Whatever you do, the clone does at exactly the same time. It was like someone waving at themselves in the mirror, the other person always waves back at you, well- maybe not in this world. The two Ron's both zapped each other and they both turned into a pair of glasses.  
  
"Coo-el! I'm Harry Potter again!" Harry said, putting on the glasses.  
  
"Oh dear, what has happened here?" (I don't know any of the teachers names, apart from Dumbledore and Snape so I'll make them up.) Mrs. Doohickey took out her wand and with a mere flick, they turned back into people. "Not a good start, eh boys?" Mrs. Doohickey raised her eyebrows. Hermione shrieked.  
  
"I'm not a boy!" She took out her mirror and gasped. Her hair was in huge spikes, boy style. Hermione screamed. "My life is over!"  
  
"You are new here, yes?" The teacher questioned the FF7 characters. They nodded, and the teacher wrote down their names on a flying clipboard. "Excellent! You are now ready to be sorted." The flying clipboard flew off. Oh, and just before I disappear- I have to inform you of some slight changes. The First Years and the Second Years will be taught together this term. That is all." And she literally disappeared.  
  
Suddenly, Aeris slipped and a ball of holy white materia bonked Cid on the head. A puff of white smoke, harps and clouds surrounded him.  
  
"Heavenly angels, guard me... take me to the world of escalators!" Cid drifted around, sitting down and playing the harp, singing like a strangled cat.  
  
"Oh darn!" Sephiroth sarcastically said, flicking a spike at Cid. "The top of my masamune seems to have fallen off..." Cid joyfully, with a bounce in his step, trod on it! His face went beetroot red.  
  
"Oh... fudge! I will not swear! I... I... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" He stuck his lance in the portrait of the fat lady. The effect of the holy materia had obviously worn off.  
  
"THAT f-ING HURT!" The lady shouted.  
  
"Cool magic!" Ron grabbed several other orbs of materia off Cloud and juggled them. Cloud grabbed them back.  
  
"Materia... cannot be used in silly schools for dumb witches who only know how to draw on their faces with pens! DAMMIT!" Barret stated, grabbing back the materia from Ron and firing a punch at him. Ron got up in agony with a huge dent in his stomach.  
  
"HELLO? Sorting hat?" Hermione said.  
  
"I'm RON not sorting hat!" Said Ron, stupidly.  
  
"Oh look who it is!" Draco Mouthwash, Harry's sworn enemy, sidled up to Ron. "That tatty, stupid..."  
  
"Who are you, ya bitch?" Cid interrupted.  
  
"More like who are you, ciggy?" The bleached-blonde grinned. His friends sniggered. "Where's Potter?" He said.  
  
"I'm 'ere!" Harry replied, biting his tongue when he realised that he was now Hagrid. "I mean dunno."  
  
"They need to be sorted into houses now!" Hermione said, pointing at the FF7s. "Good day to you, Mouthwash." They scuttled away to the hall and saw the one... the only... Dumble-door!  
  
"Knock please!" Said the door. The door was actually the head of the school, it had eyes, limbs, a nose, a mouth and a beard! Not to mention tiny glasses. It was an old door, battered and wood was chipping off. It was about two hundred years old. The door broke out of the wall and hopped into the great hall.  
  
In the middle of the hall was a hat, sat on a chair. They all sat down and a big snake with long hair and a pointy face shouted at the top of it's voice.  
  
"BE QUIET!" The horrible snake boomed, it's tongue hanging out. They assumed that the snake must be a teacher. Suddenly, Dumbledoor came hopping up to the front, puffing and panting. "You're late, Door." The snake hissed.  
  
"Uh... I... uh... sorry." Dumbledoor said. "Anyway. CLOUD STRIFE. Please make your way to the front."  
  
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sugary-flames: Like the chapter? What house should Cloud go in? Or anyone else for that matter. Review with your opinion! 


	3. Falling

sugary-flames: Chap. 3 is up! Thanks again for all the reviews. I'm not going to put Sephy in Slytherin, appropriate as it may be, because there is a slight twist in the sortings.  
  
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Cloud sat up suddenly, and heaved himself off his chair- as he was sitting at a huge table. He strode onto the platform and picked up the hat which was a Rasta-dude multicoloured hat. He put the hat on him and everyone laughed.  
  
"Hey, yo. I'm lookin into ya mind now. I see a girl who you fancy- YEH BABY YEH!" The hat with shades shouted, gesturing at Tifa. Everyone whooped even more. Tifa blushed. "I will randomly pick a house for you... RAVENCLAW!" The Ravenclaws cheered and Cloud sat with them. Next it was Aeris.  
  
"Hi GIRLFRIEND! I'm reading ya thoughtz... I see flowers. I see a spade... you dig up other people's flowers and plant them in your own garden!!!"  
  
"I suppose I should of admitted it. I've never been able to grow my own because I keep forgetting to water them, so there was only one option left- nicking other people's." Aeris sighed. "That's why you don't see any flowers in Midgar apart from them in my garden and in the church." Aeris clutched the white materia in her hands as she confessed.  
  
"I know exactly where you're going!" The hat fumed. "SLYTHERIN!" Everyone booed.  
  
"But I'm not all bad!" Aeris shrieked, taken aback. "I hold the white materia." She was transported onto the Slytherin table and she sulked as the Slytherins pulled her hair, ripped her pink dress and poured water all over her. Next was Sephiroth.  
  
"I see... DEATHS! A lot of your relatives have died tragically, man." The hat started crying.  
  
Sephiroth interrupted, "Actually it was me who..."  
  
"There's only one place for you, man. HUFFLEPUFF!" The school started chanting 'wimp'. Sephiroth sat on the Hufflepuff table and his cheeks turned pink, as well as all his clothes- and a bow appeared in his hair.  
  
"Vincento Valentino!" The hat yelled in a very bad Spanish accent.  
  
Vincent cringed and with a swish of his bright red cape, he sat on the chair and the hat was placed on his head.  
  
"Check it out, a vampire! What's up Dracula! Ooh, bite me!" The hat mocked.  
  
"I... am... not... a... VAMPIRE!" Vincent shouted, and the room shook.  
  
"Chill, dude! How about this... yo, goth!"  
  
Vincent went bright red with fury and his skin turned purple and a red crest formed on his head. He had turned into the purple beast! (Forgotten what it's called!) He hit out at the hat (forgetting that it was on his head) and howled when he brutally hit himself.  
  
"OW! Man that hurt!" The hat said. "You are evil, man! GO TO HELL- I mean Slytherin!" Vincent was transported onto the Slytherin table, smashing the plates and glasses on it.  
  
"Next up... Tifa Lockheart! What a babelicious name!" He drooled as Tifa strutted onto the platform, hips swinging and boobs bouncing. The hat's eyes totally popped out cartoon-style.  
  
"Flatter me!" Tifa flirted as she sat down on the chair. The hat was placed on her head and it began reading.  
  
"You are a generally good person... a few childhood mishaps that wern't your fault but... I'm gonna put you in the best house as you're such a babe... the house that the famous Harry Potter was put in... Gryffindor!"  
  
"I wanted to be in a house with Cloudy! I hate you, you stupid hat!" Tifa cried, and she slapped it hard before being transported onto the Gryffindor table.  
  
"Call me!" The hat yelled after her.  
  
Cait Sith ended up in Gryffindoor with Tifa, Cid and Barret in Hufflepuff, Red went to Slytherin with Vincent and Yuffie joined Cloud in Ravenclaw. Nobody was happy.  
  
o0o  
  
The FF7's crept into the Hufflepuff lounge, which was decorated with frilly bows and pink ribbons. Aeris thought she saw something slithering around, but it probably was nothing. The head of Hufflepuff, Mrs. Majiggery was out somewhere. The Harry Potters were there too. Harry stuck a finger in the air.  
  
"I know! Lets play a game of Squid-Ditch. What happens is, you watch out for the flying squids and swoop in and out of the ditches. At the bottom of the ditch is something, mainly broken paper clips, but if you find the multicoloured paper clip, the game ends and YOU WIN! Watch out, your enemy could be flippendo-ing you. That's a spell, by the way."  
  
None of them wanted to play Squid-Ditch. It sounded boring, so they all sloped off to broomstick training with Mrs. Birdaplane. She was a lady with a bird's beak and aeroplane wings. She demonstrated flying by flying (with her wings) up to the top of the school and err... flying around it.  
  
"Ron, can you demonstrate falling?" Mrs. Birdaplane asked. Ron got on his shaking broom.  
  
"Whoa, horsy. Okay here goes nothing." When he said that catchphrase it generally meant he was going to hurt himself. Ron flew up, but the broom wouldn't stop going up. To Ron everyone looked like ants. To everyone, Ron looked like a flying ant. Then the broom started shaking him off and Ron fell. There was a silent screaming noise that got louder and louder and louder and LOUDER and then there was a bump. They saw a Ron-shaped hole in the ground and Harry and Hermione helped Ron out of it.  
  
"Good demonstration of falling, Ron. HEY! Hagrid, what are you doing in my class?" Mrs Birdplane wondered, frowning at Harry. Harry felt his face, still a beard.  
  
"I... I..." His voice was still a gruff man's and he talked slang.  
  
"Get out of my class... go on... SHOO!" Mrs. Birdaplane whacked Harry with the end of her broom and violins began to play.  
  
"SHUDDUP!" Harry boomed, turning to the dark forest gateaux- where his Hagrid house was. It was just the right shape and height to fit a Hagrid in. "I WILL DO THIS TRAINING!" He yelled, nearly blowing everyone away.  
  
"Whatever... you say Hagrid." Mrs. Birdplane obeyed, shuddering. She didn't want Hagrid squashing her, that's for sure. The teacher resorted back to the lesson. "Give your broom a gentle tap." Everyone whacked their broom as hard as they could. "Sit on your broom gracefully." She ordered. The class sprawled on their broom as lazily as they could.  
  
"I am not your slave!" A spotty teenager with greasy ginger hair objected.  
  
"Get on with it Kevin. Now hold on to your broom with both hands and softly tell it to go up.  
  
"UP YER BRAINLESS OLD-Y THING!" Barret commanded. Everyone else screamed at their brooms to go 'up you stupid wooden stick.'  
  
"Now carefully steer your broom as it ascends into the air." Mrs Birdplane told them. The class yanked their brooms from side to side. Yuffie's zoomed up. Sephiroth's crashed right into the ground and Cid's droopy old broom was so exhausted that it rested on the nearest statue.  
  
"Damn foo!" Barret yelled at his broom when it wouldn't move.  
  
"Now come down, Mr. Highwind. It's unlikely you'll ever be a pilot with the lack of control in your steering!" Mrs. Birdaplane signalled.  
  
Cid seemed pretty offended. He had been a pilot and he thought back to when he flew aeroplanes. The first one was called the 'Cleopatra' but he crashed it into a mountain. The second one was called the 'Cloud Skimmer' he... uh... crashed that too. What about the 'Brontosmoker"? That was his third... er... he landed that into a volcano... which then brought him on to rockets...  
  
Cid reached into his pocket for a parachute or anything to get him down apart from his actual dumb broom. Aha! He found a wand. Although not mentioned in the story previously, Cid couldn't resist nicking it and playing around with it.  
  
"Er... abracadabra, alakazam... I hate casting spells cos they always go wr... AAAAAAHHHH!" The broom turned into a hot air balloon and Cid was flying around everywhere at top speed. He made a right prat of himself! "SHIIIIIIIT!" He yelled.  
  
"Burstus balloonamackerina!" Mrs. Birdaplane bellowed at the top of her voice. The hot air balloon burst and Cid landed squat flat on the bird- lady. "MR. HIGHWIND! Pay attention and this is not a spell-casting lesson. Now use Mr Wallace's broom and fly up there and get yours!" Barret looked a bit confused.  
  
"Mine... is uh... a bit still Missus." Barret said, looking puzzled. Mrs Birdaplane examined Barret's broom.  
  
"That's because it's a kitchen broom!" Mrs. Birdaplane tutted, staring at the end of the broom with unusually short bristles. "Nothing at all has gone right this lesson. HAGRID! Demonstrate flying!" Harry firmly tapped the broom and tried to sit on it but it plonked back down. He tried again, it plonked back down.  
  
"I uh... appear to be too fat to fly this broom Miss..." Harry blushed. Mrs. Birdaplane tossed Harry's broom to Barret and she clapped her hands. Another broom appeared with 'extra thick for the extra large' carved into it. Also carved into it was, 'this Nimbus is so last century'. Barret whooped.  
  
"I get the 2000! I get the 2000!" He boasted. Harry groaned and sat on the broom, it struggled to hold his great weight but just about managed. He commanded 'up' trying to sound relaxed but it came out as a slang-y man's gruff voice.  
  
"Oip!" Harry ordered and the broom jerked along on it's long boring journey in the air. Then Harry tried to come down and the broom awkwardly, unprofessionally swerved down in an ungraceful zigzag. While he had his eye on what he was doing he could have sworn he saw a slithering thing winding it's way around...  
  
"That was alright, in some ways... no... it was absolutely atrocious! I expect full potential from you Hagrid! From now on, I want to see you training with the others twenty four seven! What if you are called out to save someone?" Mrs Birdaplane fumed. "BE OFF WITH YOU!" And they all scampered away like drugged squirrels.  
  
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sugary-flames: I bet you weren't expecting Aeris to go in Slytherin! Haha! Next chapter will be up soon. 


	4. The Pointless Journey

sugary-flames: Okay, so far the FF7's have experienced:  
  
A long and boring train journey. A short run-in with Harry's sworn enemy, Mouthwash. A suspicious looking snake. Broomstick 'falling' lessons.  
  
And now they are about to set off on a totally pointless journey. Can it get any worse!?!?  
  
o0o  
  
Harry hung his head in shame.  
  
"Will I ever be me own self? The great 'arry Potter? I guess I's forever to be demoted to the Dark Forest Gateaux where I shall mope in me shack. Come join me in me 'ouse ol' friends won't ya?" Harry sighed. "May's well be known as 'agrid from nows on..." The violins began to... "SHUDDUP!" Harry angered.  
  
"There's something that I've been meaning to ask." Ron started.  
  
"Well save it, dumbass foo!" Barret yelled.  
  
"Grr..." Ron growled, "anyway, I've been wondering- where is the real Hagrid?"  
  
"I dunno." Harrgrid replied, stroking his beard in deep thought. "What did happen to the real Hagrid..."  
  
(prologue) Hagrid, who was in a different part of the train in the first place, slunk out of his compartment worriedly after the spell that he didn't know had been cast had worked it's magic. He didn't know what had happened to him. He had certainly lost weight all of a sudden!  
  
Her ran down aisles and aisles full of students practising spells and jabbering away to each other. He stopped in his tracks when he saw a tall brunette who he thought was totally hot, saunter past admiring herself in a small mirror.  
  
He snatched the mirror off the girl, eager to see himself and see who he had been transformed into. Hagrid new that the spell cast was a transformation spell, but he could have turned into anyone. Even scabby Ron Weasly!  
  
"You vain b!!!!!d!" She shrieked. But then she stopped, mid sentence. "You're... oh, I'm so sorry! You're..."  
  
He looked into the small compact-mirror. He could only see the top half of his face as the mirror was so small but it was enough. Broken glasses... lightening scar... he was... he was...  
  
"IT'S THE GREAT HARRY POTTER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" The girl screamed to all her friends and they all pounced on him for an autograph.  
  
"Woah baby!" Hagrid felt a mound of girls pile on top of him. "I better stay away from the others so they don't change me back!" And he was smothered by adoring fans all the way to Hogwarts.  
  
Anyway, back to the present.  
  
Yuffie crossed her legs, hopping around. "Err... Harrgr-whatever? Is there a toilet in your shack?" (Isn't it strange the way that when you play Final Fantasy the characters never need the bog?)  
  
Harry grinned. "Theres an 'ole round the back!" He laughed when he saw how disgusted she looked. "I's only joking! I dunno do I? Who do yer think I's am, Hagrid?"  
  
Yuffie rolled her eyes and wandered into the shack.  
  
"Alrighty." Cloud broke the silence. "Is there any items we need before we..."  
  
Cloud was cut off by Yuffie's high-pitched scream. She bolted out of the shack with a builders ass. "PERVY SNAKE, PERVY SNAKE!" She screamed.  
  
"What the hell?" Said the spiky-haired man, confused.  
  
"Professor... Snake... in... the shack... saw... my ass!" Yuffie puffed.  
  
"What was he doin' in me shack?" Harry wondered.  
  
"No idea... but he slithered into the forest." Yuffie pointed at the D.F.G in awe.  
  
"Well go to the Gateaux and find out, then!" Harry yelled. "And remember to bring me the sacred slice from deep inside the very core. It is sacred."  
  
So everyone except Harry moped off to find the sacred err... slice of gateaux. They did not hear Hagrid shout after them, "If yer 'arm anything living in the Dark Forest Gateaux the wrath of Voldeport will be on yer!"  
  
The D.F.G (Dark Forest Gateaux) was as bright as anything. All the way there was a shining light blaring in their eyes and the trees were luminous yellow and bright orange with smiley faces.  
  
"Too... bright..." Quivered Vincent. "I knew there was a catch to this Dark Forest thing." Suddenly a candy cane with big red lips, blonde hair and high heeled shoes came tap dancing towards them. "AAAAAAHHH! Living candy! Sweet, sugary candy! My nightmare has come true." Everyone glared in a strange manner at Vincent.  
  
The candy cane bared it's teeth at them, "Hiya I... AAAAHHHHH!!!" Cait Sith ate it. The Dark Forest Gateaux suddenly turned dark and scary. Cait Sith burped, guiltily. A cloaked figure holding several wine bottles came riding towards them on a staggering drunken horse.  
  
"I am... hic Voldeport. As mentioned in my name I hic am an alcoholic! Beware! You killed my candy cane, you will pay! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! BURP!" Voldeport fell of his horse, drunk style.  
  
Suddenly, a strange horned beast came crookedly galloping towards them. It had black hair and a man's head and shoulders and bent horns, a bent neck and bent legs. It had blood all over it.  
  
"I'm... dying... save me..." The creature spluttered, looking hopefully at Voldeport. Voldeport began to feel faint at the sight of the creatures blood.  
  
"Eeeeew! Blood! Just you wait.... I'll be back..." Voldeport shook his fist. "After I've been to the pub..." He staggered away with his crazy horse trotting after him, frothing at the mouth. Hermione gasped at the half man- half beast.  
  
"You, you saved us! But you are wounded and... you are so handsome, a little bent in places but so..." The thing cleared it's throat, cutting the romantic boffin off.  
  
"I am a Bent-aur, one of the Bentaurs. A superior race, but because we are so bent, people think we're... different." A tear dribbled from the eye of the Bentaur. "My name is Ben. I am not wounded, this is the thing they call ketchup. You see, Voldeport is allergic to Bentaur blood, which is highly poisonous. So I acted like I was bleeding!" The four-armed Bentaur stated. Tifa changed the subject.  
  
"We're trying to find the sacred slice of gateaux. Any ideas where that is? An intelligent creature like you must have some idea..." Tifa batted her eyes, flirting.  
  
Ben looked puzzle, "It's uh... that way..." Ben said, his four arms pointing in different directions.  
  
"Well that's a lot of help." Cloud replied, sarcastically.  
  
"I'm glad my help is useful to you, my friends, people say I'm thick and my help is not needed... but you are the exceptions." The Bentaur proudly gushed, thanking itself. It didn't know what sarcastic meant.  
  
Soon they came to a large, volcanic mound in the centre of the D.F.G. It was obvious that inside it was the sacred slice. They climbed up, on their hands and knees as it was so steep- occasionally rolling back down.  
  
"But I'm allergic to rocks!" Hermione kept whining.  
  
The mound was gritty, and after two and a half hours they reached the top, exhausted and hands bleeding. "I think I broke a nail!" Hermione whinged. There was a small platform with the slice upon it and they threw a rope down, trying not to focus too much attention on the boiling lava. "But I get heat rash!" She moaned for the millionth time.  
  
Cloud began to go down where he would collect the scabby slice of gateaux for Harry who they were seriously pissed off at. It did not look sacred at all.  
  
"This is cheesecake!" Cloud shouted, examining it and nibbling at a corner. There was a series of  
  
"So where do we go now?" Red wondered.  
  
"I...munch.....don't......munch......know.....BURP!" By the end of Barret's sentence the cheesecake was gone.  
  
"C'mon lets go." Yuffie beckoned.  
  
"We have to find the sacred slice!" Cait Sith said.  
  
"Harry probably wanted it so he could make a spell to stop poverty and cruelty to animals. Well... it's got to be important." Said Cait Sith.  
  
"Yeah... let's keep looking. I know! Lets split up. Me, Red, Tifa, Barret and Ron... hey where is he?" The small cat riding on a stuffed toy wondered, looking around.  
  
"RON!" Everyone chorused. They looked up and saw Ron hanging upside down in a net-trap.  
  
"Uh... a finding spell gone wrong." Ron stated.  
  
"Get down from there, one does not want to be embarrassed by a idiotic fool." Hermione yanked Ron down and cleared her throat. "I can not go on with this journey. I am allergic to air Cough "  
  
"Oh brother... you get Hermione and the others." Red sighed. The others groaned and they started searching.  
  
o0o  
  
Cid stuck his hand in a hole in a tree and pulled out a disgusting bug.  
  
"Heeeyyy... Is this the sacred slice?" Cid wondered. The cricket chirped.  
  
"No, this is! Tifa screeched, yanking away Cait Sith's megaphone and thrusting it at Cid.  
  
"That aint even a sacred sh!t!" Cid shouted. "Our team aint doin' very well. I bet the others have found it by now. Ron tripped over his feet.  
  
"Ooooh! A worm!" He exclaimed, yanking up a familiar looking snake. "Is this the sacred slice?" He chucked the snake as far as he could when he saw the look he got and the snake flew over the horizon, hissing.  
  
o0o  
  
Hermione twirled her ringlets, searching through her overloaded brain to think of a way to get the sacred slice.  
  
"Aha! I'll magic one up!" Hermione smiled. "Sacridus appearus!" Hermione "Awwww... I could of ate that!" Barret moaned. "Oh, What the 'ell." He picked the commanded, and a slice of gateaux appeared with a tag on it saying. 'This slice of cake is sacred... honest." Hermione threw it on the ground. "No way, it can not be the sacred slice."  
  
cake of the muddy ground and shovelled it into his mouth. "Tasts....lllk...drrt...." Barret spoke, his mouth full of cake.  
  
Suddenly, a glowing slice of cake (which looked suspiciously like gateaux) came puffing and panting towards them.  
  
"Help me! Everyone wants to eat me!" The cake said. "For I am not like the other slices of gateaux."  
  
"Have you seen the sacred slice of gateaux?" Aeris asked.  
  
"I am the sacred slice! DUH! But... don't eat me!" Barret lurched forward, his mouth open, but Aeris and Cid held him back.  
  
"We're not here to eat you! We're here to find you and put you in a potion so you can stop poverty and sickness and..." Hermione's long list went on.  
  
"Yeah, yeah! Wait! Did you say sickness? As in, sick-of-your-boyfriend-and- want-a-new-one?" The cake looked at them hopefully.  
  
"No I didn't..." Hermione began but Aeris cut her off.  
  
"That's exactly what kind of sickness we meant!"  
  
"Whoa! I'm there baby YEAH!" The cake squealed.  
  
And so the cake, the group and the other group (who they eventually found) began to head back to Hagrid's shack.  
  
o0o  
  
When they got back they presented the cake to Harry.  
  
"And now make that potion to stop sickness!" The cake smiled.  
  
Harry took one look at the cake and scoffed it. Everyone gasped.  
  
"YOU ATE THE SACRED SLICE!"  
  
"Wos 'ungry." Harry shrugged. "What? Gotta eat sumtimes yer know. That wos the 'ole point of sending yer off into the forest. Can't just pop down to Sainsbury's these days!" Harry grunted. "The only spell yer need is to make me turn back too the famous 'arry Potter!"  
  
"You... made... us... go... into... AAARRGHH!" Vincent fumed, "So... bright... need... black... room... now...!!!"  
  
"Strange." Harry shrugged and turned to Hermione "How about one of our love sessions in the janitor's closet, baby?"  
  
"UGH! I say! Stupid lummox! You wouldn't even fit in there on your own, let alone you and me! If you were back in Harry Potter's body then I would definitely reconsider..." Hermione replied, disgusted.  
  
"Boo hoo. I've lost everything... my body... my fame... my girlfr..."  
  
"I AM NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" Hermione yelled, nearly blasting Harry back into the Dark Forest. "I am Harry's girlfriend!"  
  
"But I am Harry!" Harry cried. "Sheesh, I'm so gonna dump her when I get back in my real body... as a famous person I'll have loads of girls swooning all over me..."  
  
"Awww." Cloud sighed "I thought she was pretty hot." Cloud covered his mouth with his hand after getting a evil glare from Tifa. "But nobody's as hot as you, baby!" Cloud remarked. Tifa tossed her hair and smiled smugly at him.  
  
"Oh, Cloudy..." Tifa swooned and Cloud cringed.  
  
"Per-lease! Enough with the love already!" Ron mimed being sick. "Let's just get on with it, I think Professor Snake might have dressed up as Voldeport to fool us. I have a bad feeling about that Snake.  
  
"Really, we better search for him then." Tifa said. Hermione leant over to her, whispering in her ear.  
  
"Never trust him, he's always wrong!" But the party were already walking away. "Looks like they've decided to follow Ron... oh god..." Hermione sighed and her and Tifa ran as fast as they could to catch up.  
  
o0o  
  
sugary-flames: Wow, that sure was one long chapter. Probably my longest one yet! Anyway, I say this nearly every chapter. PLEASE R&R!!! 


	5. Sephy and the Rat

sugary-flames: This isn't a proper chapter but this is basically what would happen if Sephiroth and Ron's rat were trapped in a room together.  
  
In this chapter, X this X represents what the rat is doing, and other things such as X ten minutes later X Ya get me?  
  
o0o  
  
Sephy and the rat  
  
Sephiroth: LET ME OUUUUTTT! Stupid, f!!!!!!, goddamn Clod locking me in here. When I get a hold of him I'll...  
  
X ten minutes later X  
  
I'll...  
  
X twenty minutes later X  
  
I'll...  
  
X an hour later X  
  
One million bottles of beer on the wall... one million bottles of beer... catches sight of a small rat biting it's ass in a corner HEEY! You're that dumb, flea-bitten rat I wanted to kill!  
  
Rat: X sniffs the ground X  
  
Sephiroth: Don't look at me like that you incompetent fool! I am superior!  
  
Rat: X chases it's tail X  
  
Sephiroth: What do you mean I'm a sucker? I know a far better word than sucker that I can describe you as.  
  
Rat: X squeaks X  
  
Sephiroth: Shut your hole you moron!  
  
Rat: X growls X  
  
Sephiroth: Time to try out one of those weirdo spells those loonies told me.... Ratsplatus!  
  
Rat: ........ X eyes wide open X  
  
Sephiroth: What planet are you on you bloody...  
  
Rat: ................  
  
Sephiroth: You idiotic...  
  
Rat: .............  
  
Sephiroth: Snap out of it! Stop being hypnotised! Err... walk like a chicken!  
  
Rat: X walks like a chicken X  
  
Sephiroth: Kill yourself!  
  
Rat: X starts flinging itself against the wall X  
  
Sephiroth: X draws masamune X Why should you have all the fun?  
  
Rat: X eyes turn red X  
  
Sephiroth: I hope Ron will remember to come to your funeral, I certainly won't be there! Well, maybe to spit on your grave!  
  
Rat: X jumps up in the air and latches itself onto Sephiroth's face X  
  
Sephiroth: AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!  
  
Rat: X claws at Sephy's face violently X  
  
X door unlocks and opens X  
  
Yuffie: Hiya Sephy! Aww! What a cute little mousy!  
  
Sephiroth: Can't... you... see... it's... on... my... face?  
  
Yuffie: No it's not! X looks down at the rat that is sat upright on the ground cleaning it's whiskers X  
  
Sephiroth: But... um...  
  
Yuffie: Look at it Sephiroth, does that look like a violent killer mouse to you? Does it? Huh, does it?  
  
Sephiroth: Maybe not to you, clueless ninja.  
  
Yuffie: Grr... I am more intelligent that you'll ever be Sephy!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh yeah! X goes nose to nose with her X  
  
Yuffie: Yeah!  
  
Ron: X enters the room X HI EVERYONE!!! X trips over his shoelaces X Oomph! Oh, hi Scabbers! X ties laces, weird fashion X  
  
Yuffie: You called the rat SCABBERS!?!? 00  
  
Sephiroth: Well the demented thing sure lives up to it's name!  
  
Ron: 'It's' a he, and my rat is not demented!  
  
Rat: Barfk? X looks at them in a strange, cross-eyed manner X  
  
Sephiroth: Yup, it's demented.  
  
Ron: Well I'M GOING! And I'm taking this, for next time you try and harm poor Scabbers! X grabs Masamune X  
  
Sephiroth: Give that back you...  
  
Ron: Hmph, you should be expelled from Hogwarts, RAT HATER! X storms out of the room with his shoe-laces tied together X  
  
Sephiroth: COME BACK WITH MY MASAMUNE!!! X yells out of the door, but he is long gone X Quick little bitch.  
  
Yuffie: Anyway, back to the clueless ninja thing... X whips out Shuriken X  
  
Sephiroth: No... don't touch me with that thing!  
  
Yuffie: And what are you gonna do about it? Your precious Masamune is probably lost, knowing Ron!  
  
Sephiroth: Please, Yuff. We're best mates!  
  
Yuffie: Are we now? And what about the rat?  
  
Sephiroth: It's the best ever... rat.  
  
Yuffie: And!?  
  
Sephiroth: It's much more intelligent than me...  
  
Yuffie: Yes, yes, go on...  
  
Sephiroth: And anything but Scabby!  
  
Yuffie: So have you changed your ways, Sephy?  
  
Sephiroth: I... hate... I mean, I love the rat. X manufactures a smile X  
  
Yuffie: Well if you love it so much then... X backs slowly out the door X then you won't mind staying in here even longer! X locks the door X BYE SEPHY!!!  
  
Sephiroth: GRRRR...  
  
Rat: X blinks X  
  
Sephiroth: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! X chases it round and round the room X  
  
o0o  
  
sugary-flames: Basically that is what would happen! 


	6. Dark Sharks

sugary-flames: Okay, back to the story. That last chapter was just a sort of... thing. You know, one of those random things you dream up when you're bored.  
  
Well anyway, carrying on with the search for the snake...  
  
o0o  
  
The party had been back to the Hogwarts main building before setting off on their search, as they needed to get a few 'supplies'.  
  
Hermione sulked as she kicked the back of Ron's shoes. "Stupid Ron... stupid ideas... humph! Okay Ron, if you're so good then tell us where to search first." Ron, armed with a net, a stick, a video camera and a sieve on his head, scratched his arse.  
  
"If I were a Snake, where would I go?"  
  
"Oh, brother!" Hermione muttered. Suddenly, Ron jumped up as if he'd found something.  
  
"Professor Snake! Sssshhh!" They could see the tip of a snake's tail in poking out of a bush. Ron awkwardly flung his net at the Snake, yelling when it got caught around his legs. The sieve flew off his head and hit the snake. It yelped.  
  
"So that's how you do it!" Red said. Hermione yanked the snake up by it's tail.  
  
"That's all you needed to do!" She exclaimed.  
  
The snake hissed. "Shit! Not you lot again! What do you think you're doing!"  
  
"More like what do you think you're doing, Professor Snake! Spying on us all the time!" Aeris replied, hands on hips.  
  
"But I'm not Snake, I'm Snack- the brother of Professor Snake!" The Snake replied. "I was the one you tossed a mile over the hills! F!!!!!! Put me down!"  
  
"I think he's right, he doesn't have the same pointy face that Snake has." Sephiroth agreed.  
  
"Honestly, I told him that teaching in a bloody boarding school was a crap job! So why did he go on and do it! He never listens to me..." The Snake hissed angrily. "Kill him for me, will ya?"  
  
"Consider it done!" Ron grinned, gripping his stick. Hermione lunged forwards and snatched it away.  
  
"Please boys! Violence is very wrong. We need to search for Professor Snake, you can help us too Snack." Hermione stood bossing everyone around, with her hands on her hips.  
  
"I'll come with you." Snack hissed.  
  
"Really?" Hermione sounded surprised, it was the first time someone had actually agreed with her.  
  
"Yeah...on the 9th of never!" Snack replied, spitting as he talked.  
  
"Well like it or not, you are coming! Okay me and the plait-girl will go together...  
  
The ninja frowned. "The name's Yuffie!"  
  
"So-rry! I'll go with Muffie, Ron..."  
  
"It's YUFFIE!"  
  
"OKAY! I'll go with Buffy, Har..."  
  
"IT'S YUFFIE!"  
  
"BE QUIET KUFFIE I DO KNOW YOUR NAME!"  
  
"NO- YUFFIE!!!"  
  
"Suffie!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Juffie!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Luffie!"  
  
"HELLO, THE NAME'S YUFFIE!"  
  
"Nuffie!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Y... y..."  
  
"Yes... yes..."  
  
"Yaffie!"  
  
"AAARRRRGGGHHH!"  
  
"EVERYONE SHUT THE F UP!" Cid boomed. "Right. The bossy girl, Y-U-F-F-I- E, Sephiroth, the fat bloke with the beard..."  
  
"HEY!" Harry interrupted.  
  
"AS I WAS SAYING! Me, Barret, Snack and everyone I said before can all go together!"  
  
"Which leaves me, Cloud, Aeris, ginger dumb ass, Vincent, C.S and err..." Tifa hesitated.  
  
"Me me!" Red waved his arms in the air.  
  
"Oh... Red. The stoopid cat that nobody cares about."  
  
"That's me!" Red beamed. "HEY! I'm very intelligent y'know. I know lotsa stuff. Did you know Thomas Edison invented the light bulb?"  
  
"F!!! off ye boring cat!" Barret yelled "I wanna find that snake so I can give it a piece of me... fist."  
  
"I just want to get out of here and crawl back to my coffin." Vincent sighed.  
  
"Okay, let's go now!" Hermione ordered. Everyone stood still and crickets chirped in the silence.  
  
"Go where?" Ron wondered, looking around. "I don't see no snake. I know where he is! Lets fly to the moon and make a snake shrinker so when we find the snake we can shrink him and we could get famous like ye olde Harry Potter and maybe sell a best-seller and..."  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" Everyone chorused, cutting him off. Red chased Ron round and round.  
  
"Mmmnn... I never noticed you!" He said, pouncing on Ron.  
  
"HEY! Gerrof me!" Ron yelled. Red drew back, looking astonished.  
  
"S-sorry, I thought you were a carrot!" He gestured to the bright ginger hair on Ron's head. "Your hair is the exact clone of a carrot and I'm a vegetarian and I just love..."  
  
"OH SHADDAP!" Everyone yelled at the taken-aback cat.  
  
"Lets just give up this whole search and go bird-watching!" Hermione suggested. Everyone gave her an evil look. "On second thoughts..."  
  
Ron suddenly had a flashback, even though he didn't remember much. "Wait a second, weren't we doing a familiar quest last year? You know, going into the forest and finding Voldeport?"  
  
Hermione and Ron hesitated. "Nah!"  
  
"Look! Snake!" Aeris shrieked, pointing at the oh-so-familiar pointy faced Professor, winding his way towards the school. "We have to get to Hogwarts!"  
  
o0o  
  
The gang entered the school through a secret passage so they weren't noticed by the teachers. The passage led to the main entrance and they were left standing there, clueless.  
  
Suddenly, Mrs Doohickey appeared out of nowhere, looking cross. "What do you think you are doing out of class?" She shrieked in an annoying high- pitched voice.  
  
"We were, uh just trying to find the uh... window?" Ron stammered.  
  
"You are talking nonsense! If I find you out of class again it will be a DETENTION! Where are you supposed to be now, boy?"  
  
"Uh... Offence of the Dark Sharks, miss." (As opposed to Defence of the Dark Arts!)  
  
"Well be off with you then!" She swotted her hand at them.  
  
o0o  
  
Hermione knocked quietly on the 'Offence of the Dark Sharks' room door. "This is the first time I've ever been late for lessons." Hermione whispered, meekly.  
  
"Come in." Snake groaned. D'oh! That was where he was off to! To teach the class! The gang slapped their foreheads, they were still suspicious though. Hermione creaked open the door.  
  
"You are late!" Snake hissed.  
  
"You don't say!" Ron replied, cheekily. Hermione nudged him in the ribs.  
  
"Uh, we had to speak to Mrs Doohickey about something." Tifa said.  
  
"Hmmnn. Now get into the shark pool before I expel you all!" The snake snapped.  
  
When everyone had clambered into the groggy shark pool, totally scared, Snake began explaining the rules.  
  
"For the First Years that don't know how to do this, you have to look at the ingredients on the floating tables in front of you and make up the required spell to make the sharks that are currently in this pool disappear one way or another. If you get it wrong they will bite you!" Aeris looked totally freaked.  
  
"Eeek! Sharks!" She hid behind Cloud.  
  
"SHARKS!!!" Ron screamed, jumping into Hermione's arms Scooby-Doo style.  
  
"Right. You will need for this spell, a handful of bogglyknox..." None of the FF7s had a clue what that was so they all did the same thing and threw in a handful of newts eyes. Ron did too. Hermione however, sprinkled a handful of some sort of plant into hers.  
  
"Now you need a pinch of bolluckberry and three strangled-cat hairs." There were lots of different sorts of hairs, and none of them knew which one was cat hair so they picked a sort at random. They did that with bolluckberry, too. "Lastly, a Felix feather." Snake said. The FF7s all rummaged around in a can of Felix cat food for a feather, but there was none in there so they chucked in a square of cat food.  
  
"Now stir your mixture in your cauldron and repeat. 'Disappearus Sharkus Teleportus!'"  
  
They nervously stirred the gloopy mixture in the cauldon. It was a khaki green colour. "Hey, Hermione's mixture is pink!" Ron whispered to Tifa. "We must be wrong!"  
  
"Here goes nothing... Sharkus! Die us!" Ron shouted... wrong spell again!  
  
Suddenly, Ron started floating lifeless along with the rest of the class. They all looked dead. Very dead.  
  
"CURSE YOU RONALD MACDONALD!" The snake hissed, it's tongue crazily waving in all directions. "You said 'die us' so the class have all died!" The snake talked to the dead Ron Weasly, who probably couldn't even hear.  
  
"Reversus Alivus!" The snake hissed, and the class slowly emerged from under the water and shook their heads. "Now get on with the damn spell! Disappearus Sharkus Teleportus!"  
  
"Disappearus, Sharkus, Teleportus!" They all cast the spell at the same time, and the sharks disappeared and the class were teleported out of the water. All except Hermione, who was swimming as fast as she could away from a shark... and then suddenly...  
  
o0o  
  
"Ohh... my leg..." Hermione groaned. She was in hospital, with a huge shark clamped on her leg. She had just gained consciousness, and as soon as she saw the shark...  
  
"Eeeew! GETITOFF! AAAAAAAHHHH!" She screamed girl style. "Oh, hi uh... Harrgrid." The second thing she saw was Harry's double-chinned bearded face staring at her.  
  
"Hi Hermione!" Ron gabbed, jumping on her bed and using it as a trampoline.  
  
"Oww... ouch... ooch... ooh... yowch!" Hermione yelped. "Get... ow... of... MEEE!" She boomed, sending the gang flying out of the door.  
  
"Boy, she sure is in a stress!" C.S peered through the keyhole. "Shall we go back in?"  
  
"No way!" Cid blocked the door. "That girl is a total bitch!"  
  
The gang trudged down the long and winding corridor. "I have a funny feeling that there is danger about." Ron said, sniffing the air like a bloodhound. "Wait, I think I've sensed something!" He got down on all fours and began sniffing the ground, crawling down the corridor as fast as he could.  
  
"Hang on, I've almost got it... just over here...." Ron ran into a wall and he bonked his head hard on the cold stone. He stood up and brushed himself off, his nose was bleeding heavily.  
  
Ron gasped. Maybe he was a real life bloodhound! Right before his very eyes was a message...  
  
the chamber-pot of sauces has been emptied, beware!  
  
It was written in what to Ron looked like blood. "Wow! I didn't know my nose could spell out messages!" Ron said, stupidly- gesturing at his bleeding nose. He let out a gasp when he saw what was hanging from a string from the ceiling as some sort of threat, Mrs Doris the caretakers cat and it looked dead. Crowds of people gathered around the message, muttering and fretting. Teachers told the Prefects to escort the students back to their dormitories and they were led away.  
  
The caretaker pushed past the people and grabbed the cat. "MRS DORIS!" He cried out when he saw the state of the cat. He cut the rope with a penknife he had in his pocket and felt around the cat for a pulse before doing mouth to mouth ventilation.  
  
"Step away from the animal, Rank (I don't know the caretakers name, so he shall be known as Rank)." Dumbledoor waddled forwards, knocking people with his hard wood as he went. "The cat is petrified, it shall take a few days for her to recover."  
  
"Who could have done this to poor Mrs Doris?" The caretaker wept, shooting an evil glare at the gang. "You lot!"  
  
Harry looked shocked. "Don't look at us, we've only just seen it!"  
  
Dumbledoor sounded reassuring. "It couldn't have been them, nobody knows about the chamber-pot of sauces apart from the teachers."  
  
"Chamber-pot of sauces, eh?" Red scratched his head. He bound up to the wall and licked it. Just as he thought... ketchup! "I knew it was a sauce!" The cat said, very intelligent- not!  
  
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Harry heard a strange, hissing voice...  
  
let me kill you... kill kiiiill!  
  
For a minute he thought it was Mrs Doris come to life, as she always hissed whenever Harry walked past (and purred when anyone else walked past), but then he realised it was a snake... and it wanted to kill. Kill him!  
  
o0o  
  
sugary-flames: Du du duuuurr! Boy I love happy endings (chapter endings, that is). R&R!!! 


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